The almighty dollar

Uhm, well... this really has nothing to do with money. The title aside, how is everything one may ask. It's decent. I've been job hunting for a while now. It's been going well, off and on. For a while I've sort of been kicking back but now I'm running out of money and I need to get back on track.
Aside from a few dates I haven't really met anyone special yet. Pretty much same old, same old. Living the single life... Meaning I'm bored, most days anyway. On occasion I go out on dates but the guys I want before the dates aren't the guys I want after the dates. I need a little something special, a little extra. And keeping extra on the side has been quite the task in the past. Only guy I didn't cheat on ended up cheating on me. So that's been fun. Not.

No, I need me a real man. No more goofing around. Time to settle. This time that doesn't mean settle for less. The guy who was bugging me has been out of my life for a while, I missed him for a little while when I had a relapse but I'm fine again. No more bullshit. I need to find me a good guy.

So the search continues. But first...


Gorgeous out today. I'm gonna sit under a tree, take off my shoes, huff some Lemon Pledge and fight with the centaur who lives in my hair.

That great love of mine

I've been reading my horoscope like a maniac these past few days. Not so much what's going on right now. But rather about my sign. I've found it most amuzing to find so much truth in them. So with "Requiem for a dream" blazing in my headphones I Read the following:

"You are now living in a civilized world. And yet, your fantasms take their roots in an archaic universe, an intact and forgotten universe, a universe where human beings are still connected to nature, in which people live according to the rhythm of the seasons, where one is near to wild beasts and the huge forest of the origins. The man of your dreams is a primeval being, a being who hardly emerges from animality, a being who lives in harmony with the world, plants, trees, beasts, and the forces of the earth. This primitive, powerful and sensual being knows all the secrets of amorous ecstasy. He can show himself brutal without meaning it. But there's in him neither violence nor wickedness.

The man of your dreams comes out from the woods. He emerges from an old and wise world, from a land of plenty, from a lost paradise. He resembles a wild beast - of course he's human, but is still somewhat an animal, he's the brother of King Kong, with his primitive savagery and his awkward tenderness. He's a peasant, a woodcutter, a forest guard, or a poacher. Also a gardener, who knows the herbs that cure and those the perfume of which enchant the senses; or a vine-grower who amorously touches his grapes and takes care of his big wooden barrels with patience and relish. He resembles Pan, Bacchus or Dionysos, those ancient orgiastic and all-powerful gods. His wild sensuality knows of no limits; nevertheless, at the same time, he's all innocence. This man of extravagance can handle you roughly but without meaning it. And when he realizes that he can hurt you, he will become all tenderness and protection."

Imagine my surprise when I see my own words being spelled out for me in a matter such as this. I laughed, I ran my nails into my neck. Hard. I thought about HIM and I thought... 'You are my destiny. My one downfall.' He will be the end of me, because he was where my life started. It happend so suddenly and I'll never forgive myself for falling. But I did. And I still do. And that has become a great issue for my already existing inner turmoil.
I need to see this thing to the end. What may, for all intents and purposes, be the very end of me.

Bear with me.

Who is this TheMolester?

I bet you all are asking yourselves who in fact is this TheMolester-type. Well here goes:

* Is king of blog.
* Is a thinkin' feller.
* Is politically librul.
* Is a follower of Jeebus (never to be confused with the fictional superhero "Jesus").
* Is a pseudonym.
* Is smarter than some of you, but less smart than many of you.
* Is a stickler for proper spelling and grammar, therefore makes spelling and grammar mistakes with regularity.
* Is not easily impressed, but very easily depressed.
* Is easily bored, most often with her own self.
* Is an extremely nice gal, despite a cruelly judgmental nature.
* Is even now silently judging you.
* Is not afraid to cry like a wee baby.
* Is crying at this very moment.
* Is probably a little too "emo" for your tastes.
* Is not normally prone to referring to herself in the third person.
* Is pleased that you made it all the way down this list.

There you have it, served chilled with only a hint of lemon. A dash even, if you will.

Happy to be standing anywhere

It's been a while. I know that. But you guys know Marcus and I broke up a while ago. Then I lost my job. How's that for novel material!? I couldn't believe that this could happen again. Another breakup, another job lost.
I don't know. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. Give up. Or maybe it's time to try even harder. The job thing isn't all that bad. I know I'll find work again. But love. Will I ever find love again? I think everyone asks themself this very question. Will I ever fall as hard again? Will I want to?

I make myself unavailable. Intentionally. I'm scared to death to share my life and heart with another person again. I've been burned so many times. Never any good. Just bad guys, and bad choices.
I wanted to have a baby with M. He knows it as well as I. I could have been a mom now, had I made better choices. But I didn't. I listened to other people. Namely him. And I chose otherwise. I will forever regret that decision. Forever and ever. Because late at night, when I'm all alone I turn on all the lights to avoid the emptiness that darkness brings. I am afraid of myself. Of the person I've become. I'm terrified.

What if... What if that was my only chance and I screwed it up? What if that was it. No weekend pass. That was last call, and I missed it. I know it sounds just as crazy as it is, but I am afraid of never finding that great love. Never falling. Never having someone fall. What if I just lost my last chance.

I may have made the wrong bet. But it was one I made for myself, letting him go. I would have been dead by now had I still been with him. He took away my ability to believe. In me or anything. He was slowly killing me and I let him go. If that was my ONE, then I'd rather be without. But I really would like a child. It's something I've been dreaming of forever. And he took my dream away from me...

Are my dreams overdue?

Sitting on the dock of the bay

Otis Redding has always been one of my favorite singers. And there's really no summer without Otis. So here's my contribution, to make all your summer memories tangled up in this song :D

Learn it, live it but most of all: LOVE it!

I still got the blues for you...

I know I haven't written a single thing here for a while. But you know how it is when life interrupts your creative plans.
I've been working, every day. You know this, I've been whining about it, but really I like to lose myself in work. It makes me happy knowing I have something specific to do every day. From the moment I get up until I go to sleep I'm preoccupied by this overwhelming sense that I have things to do and places to be. Usually I have nothing to do, and really no place to be. But when work is tough I have a place to waste some hours on.
I need a hobby. I desperately need a hobby. Growing up I never really had any hobbies, most things I did were like chores to me. No fun. Most things I do, still, are either things I have to do or things that will result in more money (or things) for me. I don't really do things for pleasure so much as for personal gain.
And that's sad in a sense, I suppose. I never loose my self to things. No real emotion that corrupts me, just a series of days that are gray and dull. Thus the need of a hobby. But where does one start. This world presents so much excitement... what in the world do I want to be doing?
Painting or sewing or traveling. All these things are perfectly fine, but I have commitment issues, and to comit to a new habit is hard work. I really have to put my entire soul into new things or it will be a 3-day sensation like most other things. I can't commit.
Not to relationships, jobs, school or hobbies. Most things are casual for me. I don't get attached. Probably because I'm afraid of losing them, so I end up never really putting any time into them. I look for excuses all the time. Excuses for my relationships don't work. Not only love, but friendships too. The only friends I have left are the ones who try, and give it their all to get pass my imperfections.

My fuse is very, very short. I've noticed that quite recently. I don't like when people get to close to me, physically as well as emotinally. Mainly because I've been hurt by so many idiots in the past. I don't let people in.

I recently (last week) lost my cat. I loved him very dearly, but I haven't been grieving. I don't see the point to that. I didn't grieve my grandfather when he passed, either. And I loved him very, very much. He was a rock. A solid man, whit loads of humor. A man that I grew up with.
I guess grieving is a lost emotion. It brings nothing with it, not peace nor closure. So why waste time..?

There you have it, old friends. I mean nothing by this, but I suppose if I lost all of you I wouldn't feel any less alone than I do now. You mean alot to me, you do, but it doesn't mean I'd be crying if you decided to say goodbye.
The only person that still makes me cry is HIM. Maybe he is the one sucking all the emotions out of me. He has killed me.



"Yes, I walk around... somehow... But you have killed me. You have killed me!"

My dick