I still got the blues for you...

I know I haven't written a single thing here for a while. But you know how it is when life interrupts your creative plans.
I've been working, every day. You know this, I've been whining about it, but really I like to lose myself in work. It makes me happy knowing I have something specific to do every day. From the moment I get up until I go to sleep I'm preoccupied by this overwhelming sense that I have things to do and places to be. Usually I have nothing to do, and really no place to be. But when work is tough I have a place to waste some hours on.
I need a hobby. I desperately need a hobby. Growing up I never really had any hobbies, most things I did were like chores to me. No fun. Most things I do, still, are either things I have to do or things that will result in more money (or things) for me. I don't really do things for pleasure so much as for personal gain.
And that's sad in a sense, I suppose. I never loose my self to things. No real emotion that corrupts me, just a series of days that are gray and dull. Thus the need of a hobby. But where does one start. This world presents so much excitement... what in the world do I want to be doing?
Painting or sewing or traveling. All these things are perfectly fine, but I have commitment issues, and to comit to a new habit is hard work. I really have to put my entire soul into new things or it will be a 3-day sensation like most other things. I can't commit.
Not to relationships, jobs, school or hobbies. Most things are casual for me. I don't get attached. Probably because I'm afraid of losing them, so I end up never really putting any time into them. I look for excuses all the time. Excuses for my relationships don't work. Not only love, but friendships too. The only friends I have left are the ones who try, and give it their all to get pass my imperfections.

My fuse is very, very short. I've noticed that quite recently. I don't like when people get to close to me, physically as well as emotinally. Mainly because I've been hurt by so many idiots in the past. I don't let people in.

I recently (last week) lost my cat. I loved him very dearly, but I haven't been grieving. I don't see the point to that. I didn't grieve my grandfather when he passed, either. And I loved him very, very much. He was a rock. A solid man, whit loads of humor. A man that I grew up with.
I guess grieving is a lost emotion. It brings nothing with it, not peace nor closure. So why waste time..?

There you have it, old friends. I mean nothing by this, but I suppose if I lost all of you I wouldn't feel any less alone than I do now. You mean alot to me, you do, but it doesn't mean I'd be crying if you decided to say goodbye.
The only person that still makes me cry is HIM. Maybe he is the one sucking all the emotions out of me. He has killed me.



"Yes, I walk around... somehow... But you have killed me. You have killed me!"