Happy to be standing anywhere

It's been a while. I know that. But you guys know Marcus and I broke up a while ago. Then I lost my job. How's that for novel material!? I couldn't believe that this could happen again. Another breakup, another job lost.
I don't know. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. Give up. Or maybe it's time to try even harder. The job thing isn't all that bad. I know I'll find work again. But love. Will I ever find love again? I think everyone asks themself this very question. Will I ever fall as hard again? Will I want to?

I make myself unavailable. Intentionally. I'm scared to death to share my life and heart with another person again. I've been burned so many times. Never any good. Just bad guys, and bad choices.
I wanted to have a baby with M. He knows it as well as I. I could have been a mom now, had I made better choices. But I didn't. I listened to other people. Namely him. And I chose otherwise. I will forever regret that decision. Forever and ever. Because late at night, when I'm all alone I turn on all the lights to avoid the emptiness that darkness brings. I am afraid of myself. Of the person I've become. I'm terrified.

What if... What if that was my only chance and I screwed it up? What if that was it. No weekend pass. That was last call, and I missed it. I know it sounds just as crazy as it is, but I am afraid of never finding that great love. Never falling. Never having someone fall. What if I just lost my last chance.

I may have made the wrong bet. But it was one I made for myself, letting him go. I would have been dead by now had I still been with him. He took away my ability to believe. In me or anything. He was slowly killing me and I let him go. If that was my ONE, then I'd rather be without. But I really would like a child. It's something I've been dreaming of forever. And he took my dream away from me...

Are my dreams overdue?