I anxiously await a change

So, spring has finally hit the streets of Sweden. I believe that the long winter of 2009/2010 has finally come to a halt. It's been a rough season for each and all alike. I have suffered at the hands of the new depression. Financially and emotionally, but I think this new season brings forth a new can-do- attitude. A long awaited sensation of satisfaction.

A change is going to come, mark my words.

I feel good. Safer than I have in years. I now have a few rough months ahead of me but I'll pull through and I'll be a better person at the end of it. The time has come to buckle down and work for a better future.

Here I go.

Texting 1...2...3

I'm a big ball of hurting. Couldn't sleep last night thanks to the cat and that damn movie "The Box" which scared me to tears. Yes people, I started crying. It freaked me out, but it mainly has to do with Marcus turning up the volume. Like he always does. I often wonder whether he has a condition of sort, or if he's just plain deaf. Whatever the case I started crying. Total panic. Can't deal with things just popping out, mid sentence.

So in this sleep deprived state I've been hurting all day. Boobs hurt, crap factory (aka stomach) hurts, head hurts. I am in the worst shape ever. If I didn't know better I'd think I was hung over. Oh and to top it all off I'm feeling sick as a monkey.

I need time off. That and a sugar daddy, or possibly a pimp. Idk what's going on with my life, all I know is that I feel miserable.

Time for another change? I believe it is.

But first I need to sleep, I look like I feel. And that's never a good sign.

So with a pounding headache I bid you good night!

/B

An ice cold IKEA-country

I'm back, baby. In full force. After a week of feeling down and out. On Sunday I began to toy with an idea of change and yesterday I put it in motion. Last night everything changed. Or maybe I changed all the while everything stayed just the same. Whatever the case may be, I have taken the first crucial steps toward the dream.
Last night I awoke from the self-induced coma I have been in for the past few years. I found the chase and just cut to it.

I'm back in motion. And couldn't be happier about it!

I can't share any details with you guys yet, but in three months time you'll all know where it is I'm heading next. I have a dream and a plan, now we just wait! But in the mean time I'll get on some major issues. I need to work on a few things in my personal life. Andrew, for what it's worth, you are saving my life. And for that I thank you, from the bottom of my once broken heart!

/Bell

Tick tock

I got the last punch last night. That knocked me out cold. So Magz took me on the longest walk, and while walking we talked everything over. Today a general feel of malaise is over me. But I'll bounce back. I always do. That beinh said I must say I was expecting this, but I still wasn't ready for a suckerpunch. I really got knocked out cold.

I spent the night on the living room floor. I was freezing so bad. I checked my phone every half hour. Don't know why. Guess love does that to you. To the best of us.
I thought I was better than that, turns out I was wrong.

But I've cried a river. I've cried several, in fact. Time to get on with building that bridge and getting over it. Time to move on. It is the spring time, and time for a new start.

So here goes...

H&M saga

Oh how I laughed, how I laughed indeed. Why, you may wonder. I laughed because H&M is hitting every low number on the stock market. Of the past 15 months they've been making major losses 14 of those months. And this even though they anticipated (and for some reason still do) gaining market shares.
Bye bye, dear H&M. They lost 4,6% on the stock market, yesterday. And everyone's surprised. I'm not. Here's why:

Back in the day, about 6-8 years ago H&M was the store for us regular folk. You could buy everything under the sun, for a cheap buck. But about 3 or 4 years ago things started to change. H&M got a reputation abroad (outside of Sweden) for being a "fashionable" store. The "it-store". They started expanding, and after the first launch in New York they lost their fucking minds. Prices got jacked up, the collections changed... along with the sizes. The prices were way too high, and the sizes way too small.
Along with this the blogger nation started to get its grip on fashion, in Sweden. The "it-girls" took pictures upon pictures of themselves and posted 'the look of the day' on their blogs. Soon these girls became celebrities, they were everywhere. These young, skinny girls with all the money and all the time in the world. H&M saw the potential in this easy-to-manipulate- market. They started inviting big designers to do collections for them.
The little girls bought that idea, and the first collections sold like there was no tomorrow. But these whimsical little girls can't stay with H&M all the time and the designers got freakier and freakier.

Madonna was my favorite. Spandex, so much spandex! And for anyone over size zero that collection was a joke. That's when the public left H&M. That's when it started going downhill. With the greater public leaving they got desperate, jacking prices even higher and with that ensuring that they never return.
The items at H&M got weirder, and people started to look elsewhere for cheap, everyday clothes. So the way to solve this issue, to save a ship that is obviously taking on alot of water H&M did something that made me laugh so hard. They took on the EU-standard in clothing sizes. Making clothes even smaller. An old size 10 is now a size 12 and so on. They are joined by another big clothing company called Lindex.

I love to see things like this happen. I love that they changed their company policy, from being a store for all to being a store for a selected few. This is what happens when you let little kids decide which direction a company is to take. There is not enough Jimmy Choo- shoes on this planet to save H&M. But there is still time, and if H&M goes back to being a store for the general public they will go back to their original saga. But if they still keep advertising expensive shit to fashionistas, well darlings... in a few years H&M will be a long lost memory.

I can't wait for further financial reports from this giant. It's been cheering me up for quite a while now. And I want further entertainment.

/B

The almighty dollar

Uhm, well... this really has nothing to do with money. The title aside, how is everything one may ask. It's decent. I've been job hunting for a while now. It's been going well, off and on. For a while I've sort of been kicking back but now I'm running out of money and I need to get back on track.
Aside from a few dates I haven't really met anyone special yet. Pretty much same old, same old. Living the single life... Meaning I'm bored, most days anyway. On occasion I go out on dates but the guys I want before the dates aren't the guys I want after the dates. I need a little something special, a little extra. And keeping extra on the side has been quite the task in the past. Only guy I didn't cheat on ended up cheating on me. So that's been fun. Not.

No, I need me a real man. No more goofing around. Time to settle. This time that doesn't mean settle for less. The guy who was bugging me has been out of my life for a while, I missed him for a little while when I had a relapse but I'm fine again. No more bullshit. I need to find me a good guy.

So the search continues. But first...


Gorgeous out today. I'm gonna sit under a tree, take off my shoes, huff some Lemon Pledge and fight with the centaur who lives in my hair.

That great love of mine

I've been reading my horoscope like a maniac these past few days. Not so much what's going on right now. But rather about my sign. I've found it most amuzing to find so much truth in them. So with "Requiem for a dream" blazing in my headphones I Read the following:

"You are now living in a civilized world. And yet, your fantasms take their roots in an archaic universe, an intact and forgotten universe, a universe where human beings are still connected to nature, in which people live according to the rhythm of the seasons, where one is near to wild beasts and the huge forest of the origins. The man of your dreams is a primeval being, a being who hardly emerges from animality, a being who lives in harmony with the world, plants, trees, beasts, and the forces of the earth. This primitive, powerful and sensual being knows all the secrets of amorous ecstasy. He can show himself brutal without meaning it. But there's in him neither violence nor wickedness.

The man of your dreams comes out from the woods. He emerges from an old and wise world, from a land of plenty, from a lost paradise. He resembles a wild beast - of course he's human, but is still somewhat an animal, he's the brother of King Kong, with his primitive savagery and his awkward tenderness. He's a peasant, a woodcutter, a forest guard, or a poacher. Also a gardener, who knows the herbs that cure and those the perfume of which enchant the senses; or a vine-grower who amorously touches his grapes and takes care of his big wooden barrels with patience and relish. He resembles Pan, Bacchus or Dionysos, those ancient orgiastic and all-powerful gods. His wild sensuality knows of no limits; nevertheless, at the same time, he's all innocence. This man of extravagance can handle you roughly but without meaning it. And when he realizes that he can hurt you, he will become all tenderness and protection."

Imagine my surprise when I see my own words being spelled out for me in a matter such as this. I laughed, I ran my nails into my neck. Hard. I thought about HIM and I thought... 'You are my destiny. My one downfall.' He will be the end of me, because he was where my life started. It happend so suddenly and I'll never forgive myself for falling. But I did. And I still do. And that has become a great issue for my already existing inner turmoil.
I need to see this thing to the end. What may, for all intents and purposes, be the very end of me.

Bear with me.